Monday, January 28, 2008

Finding My Strength and Other Thoughts

Finding My Strength

I discovered the magnitude of silence and inspiration of solitude at the top of a large outcropping of boulders known as Rim of the World. By the time I was eight years old I had memorized the natural ridges and curves where I placed my feet and hands just so, a single move at a time, until I reached the very top. It was there that I learned to share and to appreciate the miracle of God, because until I could sit still and watch the trees bend in the wind and allow my dreams and ideas to culminate, God was just a man in a book. Eventually, I understood that this gift of force and grace remained in my heart. As a young woman, I learned to rock climb and billet with my husband. Much later, as we traveled the world, we shared the lessons and experience of rock climbing with our three children. Upon reaching the peak of each climb and during many of my life’s summits, I’ve returned mentally to my place of solace and found strength.

Sharing My Rock

I rolled onto my stomach and stretched myself across the sun drenched rock to peer over the edge, just as my best friend’s bicycle clanged to the ground twenty feet beneath me. I was surprised because Danny knew this was my private place and I had never let anyone sit on the top of the Rim of the World with me, especially a boy. I saw his cheeks wet with tears when he leaned his head back to look up.

“My brother died,” he said.

My throat became crowded and my eyes stung. I couldn’t talk, so instead I reached down and held my hand out. His brother was eight, two years younger than we were, and he had leukemia. Danny climbed up easily and took my hand. He held on, even as we scooted across the rock, even as we lay down, side by side. He murmured that we must be very close to heaven and then we cried together until the tree limbs and blue sky above us blurred into dark.

The Rim of the World

The Rim of the World is a large outcropping of boulders, which creates on one side, a shear cliff 200 feet high at the southern tip of Rim Forest, a mountain community on the outskirts of Lake Arrowhead. Most of the massive rock formation is surrounded by a thick forest of pine and oak trees. The back side of the boulders can only be reached from a dirt fire trail. On a clear day, at the top of the highest boulder, the view stretches down 5700 feet to the base of the mountains. The serenity of this natural stage to the world is breathtaking at all times, but especially so at night when the stars seem touchable and city lights shine from over a mile below.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

If I were not in the middle of my life, or a mother, or passionate, or a writer, or a artist, or a wife, or a daughter, perhaps I could pass these catostrophic thoughts by -- leave them behind me at will. If I imagine these thoughts as tangible, touchable pedestrians, I could stroll down a brick walkway and walk right past these strangers. I may nod or smile because I like to please. Or I might avert my eyes if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, but I would know of their existence as just tiny blips of time and consciousness.